so you think you can tell heaven from hell
by cryptic rose grunge is dead
Summary: I looked down at the message scribed on my hand: R. Dawson, ETD: 12:07pm. it couldnt be.damnit no! a tear slid down my cheek. everyone had to die,i never had a chance,now she didnt either.i could let her die, or save her, and watch her soul rot inside her
1. tell me, what is life

Ok so this is an idea I got the other night :D im sorry if I haven't been updating recently… but if you're in highschool, then you know how suckie life is right now… midterms. I will try to keep updating… but if I don't, just pretend it's for a suspenseful, dramatic pause

_**Based on the TV show DEAD LIKE ME, and the lady or the tiger**_

_**I OWN NOTHING... **_if I did I would be one happy little octopus

**So You Think You Can Tell Heaven From Hell**

You all know my story. How I was ripped away from the love of my life by the icy waters of death; how I made her promise me she would go on, and not give into toe strangling urges that the heart causes, to stay with me as an empty corpse lost in eternity. I had expected to die from the moment I was born, but I never knew what would happen afterwards. I never expected this. The others go on with it as if it's nothing. I try, believe me I do, but the sadness and guilt overcome me again. The problem is, there's nothing I can do but obey. I miss her so much; it drives me to sleepless nights, and days full of hiding in the shadows of happiness.

I saw her a couple times, but she didn't see me. Correction, she saw me, she just didn't know. It took all of my goddamn will power not to run over to her, fold her into my arms, and never let her go. Oh god, the pain of walking on by was more excruciating then death. No pun intended. The only good thing is that there is nothing I can fear, reasonably. But then again, I never have been reasonable, now have I? My mother always said that I was driven by my soul, and that my brain was just along for the ride… she would've loved R… Damnit. No. Don't. Stop it jack, that part of your "life" is over. What hurt the most was the fact that I could never see her again. Not even in death. No matter how much I willed it, or how many times I tried, death is not something you can experience twice. You can only feel the pain, and even that is only a fleeting glimpse into a world I can never re-enter, into a love that could never be. Not a second goes by where I don't think of her. I try to draw her, but the memory is fading… its supposed to make this easier, but it doesn't. She has become just a whisp of jasmine, a face in a dream, a heartbroken cry cutting through the night.

_Rose… _


	2. wish you were here

**hello again :D im sorry for the delay... but im baaaccckkkkk! special shoutout to: K Annie M and phree phree for adding me to their fav. story/ author alert! THERE IS LIFE ON THIS PLANET! also to ShowMeaGoodTime4 (your my wonderwall girley... whatever that means :D) and Nerdy Barbie (havnt seen you in a while)... i love you all :D**

**(see if you can find my song references [cough look at the titles too])  
>hey guys, i honestly wanna know what yall think, so reveiw please, at least let me know that you have a pulse, and that SOMEONE reads my stoires :) i feel so rejected when i dont hear back from ANYONE :(: <strong>

**i wont upload a new chapter till i get atleast 5 reveiws (i know... im so evil }:) **

(theme song for this chapter: Swallowed in the Sea by coldplay)

_~You cut me down a tree, and brought it back to me, and that's what made me see where I was going wrong. They put me on a shelf, and kept me for themselves. I can only blame myself, you can only blame me.~_

It would've been so easy to just lay my head onto his hands and just let the darkness I had been fighting overcome me. But I had made him a promise. He had given me everything: love, freedom, happiness, laughter, and in the end, his life. And there I was, selfishly about to give it up. The fact was simple: I'd be with him in another life, after all, he had told me not to waste this one.

_~And I could write a song, a hundred miles long. Well that's where I belong, and you belong with me._

_And I could write it down, or spread it all around, get lost and then get found… or swallowed in the sea~_

He just didn't _feel_ gone. Maybe it was just that I didn't want to believe it. Or maybe he was still with me in a way. If you had known Jack, you would know how hard it is to believe that he could just die… I mean, he was so warm and so gentle. His smile made me melt inside. His eyes were lit with sparks that illuminated the good in people. He just _saw_ things –real, unreal, truth, lies- weather you wanted him to or not.

_~You put me on a line, and hung me out to dry, and darling that's when I decided to go see you. You cut me down to size, and opened up my eyes._

_Made me realize what I couldn't see~_

He was the first genuine person that I had ever met, so much different then all of the spurious bastards that called themselves "gentlemen"; including my so-called fiancé. He thought he could win me over with a bunch of pretty words and pricey gifts. But he was wrong. My affection can't be bought, and neither can I. I would never love him, I hated him, he was an empty shell of a man. A suit, and nothing more. I'd only ever love one man. Jack… AH GOD! I loved him so much! I still love him. I always will. He was just that kind of person, impossible to hate. Unless, of course, you were of a higher social status. Then you looked down upon a beautiful penniless artist as a "gutter rat". At least, that's what mother did. Those pompous bastards. They were the ones who lived. All of those domineering, arrogant, haughty, conceded, egotistic, supercilious, money loving bastards. They were the ones who lived. The loving ones, the lighthearted, funny, clever, worldly ones, the people without a care, without money, the people who I loved, they died. Because of money. It disgusts me, it honestly does. Everything people do is because of the greed, the hunger for money (which they just go out and spend on their brandy anyway). I was raised to love it, but I hate it. Money is useless. When you have it, your miserable, when you spend it, to get rid or it, you feel even worse. Money just brings desolation. Money is bloody, and evil it laughs at us silly humans who steal for it, kill for it… for little strips of paper. And what does it bring us? Shiney plastic things to fill the empty void in our stupid lives. What they don't realize is that paper tears. Money… ugh! I hate it. I honestly do. It killed my Jack. Goddamn money is the reason for all our grief. The sad thing is that it took the deaths of hundreds of innocent people for me to realize that.

_~ and I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook, the world, and then it took, it took it back from me. And I could write it down, or spread it all around._

_Get lost and then get found, and you'll come back to me…_

_Not swallowed in the sea~_

I would never forget the screams. They are seared into my soul. Nothing is worse then watching your loved ones die with agonized screams fading into the night, as your life was being ebbed away by the cold as well. That's another thing I'd never forget. The cold. It went right into your bones; there was no escaping it. It sucked every ounce of warmth out of your body until you were delusional with self-preservation. Not Jack though, he only cared about others, he was quite solicitous. I think he knew he was going to die the whole night, but he never showed it. Only once did I see his hopeful disposition drop, and fear flash in his eyes. When I was being lowered in the lifeboat, I looked up at him, hell, I couldn't look away I thought it might be the final glimpse too, but his hope rubbed off onto me. His eyes, though, for the first time showed heartbreaking sadness, fear, uncertainty, and the acknowledgement of death. That's the worst part, when you make the conscience decision that you are going to die to save others. That's why I jumped back onto the doomed ship; I couldn't leave him to die alone. _"you jump, I jump remember?"_ I think that's when I realized that our situation was dire. When even my Jack had given up. I'd remember that look my whole life.

_~Oh what good is it to live, with nothing left to give, forget but not forgive, not loving all you see._

_Oh the streets you're walking on, a thousand miles long,_

_Well that's where I belong,_

_And you belong with me…_

_Not swallowed in the sea…~_

It hurt to think of him.

_~You belong with me~_

It was all my fault

_~Not swallowed in the sea~_

He never even said he loved me

_~Yeah you belong with me~_

Oh god Jack! I'm sorry…

I'm sorry…

I'm so… so… sorry…

_~not swallowed in the sea~_


End file.
